Hi all

Hi, all!! Just planning to shift from blogdrive to here...let's see how it goes..:)

Amused Musings

Here's wishing everyone a Great Happy New Year, filled with puns and funs to make you laugh. One of my new year resolutions is to post regularly. (Already four days late.LOL)



A woman went to her doctor for advice... She told the physician that
her husband had developed a penchant for an*l sex and she wasn't sure
if it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She
said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The
Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice an*l sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked,
"You can get pregnant from an*l sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of
course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Wife: "There's a nice-looking lady at the window table." Husband:
"She's a hooker." "How can you be so sure?" "C'mon! Look at her hair,
all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those
high heels." "But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I
look like a hooker?" "There's no way I can get out of this
conversation alive, is there?"

The shapely woman was in the gynaecological stirrups, and her doctor
was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and
said brusquely, "Look,madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would
you please stop squeezing my hand?"

"Years ago, I worked for a short while in a church office." "Really?
How was it?" "The job was fine; the pastor was a jerk. He criticized
my work, my clothes, just everything about me. I quit after only
three months." "Wow! What an experience!" "Yeah, but to show I didn't
have any hard feelings about the whole thing, I sent the preacher a
gift subscription to a magazine." "You did?" "Yep, I sent him a year
of HUSTLER, in care of the church office."

When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good
at what he did.

"My mother," said the young woman to her date, "says there are some
things a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right,"
said her boyfriend. "I don't like a large audience either."

The college basket ball player was so excited when he heard he might
be chosen to play in the NBA that he went straight out and wrecked
his car. Of course he wasn't chosen. He had what is known as a pre-
mature jock elation.

When a man and a woman marry, they get a marriage license, what do
l*sbians need?
A licker license.

"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his
bride-to-be finally consented to s*x. "What a silly question..."
giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

My very first day on the job, the boss asked me to make a fresh pot
of coffee. Of course, I walked right out the door. He and those other
s*xist pigs at Starbucks can kiss my ass!

Word is in from the Middle East about the sultan who left a call for
seven in the morning.


There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.

She was only a Waitress’s daughter but she sure could dish it out.

City Planners do it with their eyes shut.

Till next time,keep on LOLling.

Laughs to end the year

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

------

Origin of 'smells fishy':

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

--------



Viagra Joke

Woman: Can I get Viagra here?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Woman: Can I get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can

-----
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take
you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're
not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love
to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a c*ndom
either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
-----

A young lady who had been dating a young man for almost a year was
asked by her parents what his intentions were. "I'm not quite sure,"
she replied. "He's been keeping me pretty much in the dark."

What's a gay astronaut's greatest ambition?
To visit Uranus!

Did you hear about the midget who overdosed on Vi*gra?
He's a little stiff now.

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We
may never piss this way again."

What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
A poor marksman shoots but never hits.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: "I was artificially ins*minated this morning." "I don't
believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

What should you do if your date yells, "I can't take it any longer!"?
Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer!

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

-----
Till next time,keep on LOLling.

Laughter Time

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other. The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar. "That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication." The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!" The neighbor smiled and said, "Take it from me, Pal, your
wife certainly could use a refresher course."


The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea
about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're
the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he
asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."

What do you call a guy with a one inch p*nis?
Justin.

What did the Indian say when the pr*stitute tied a knot in his pecker?
"How come!"

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
Let everyone else go first!

Why did the priest get AIDS?
He forgot to clean his organ between hymns!

The earthworm comes equipped with both male and female sex organs.
Now there's a creature who really can go f*ck himself.

A female teacher with a great figure was starting her junior high
class on a unit on astronomy. She asked the class which part of the
Universe interested them most. A boy in the front row immediately
replied, "Uranus!"


Said a specialty hooker named Jean,
Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,
"A rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub
Not only come close, they come clean.'

Hom*sexual: One who has s*x only in his own residence

She was only a Tailor's daughter, and she sure could give tit for tat.

Confucius say man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.

Confucius say woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

Sociologists do it with class.

Keep on LOLling.

Pun-itive jokes

Tattoo:

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that
she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her
bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the
turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The
woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas"
up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking
good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such
unusual tattoos on your thighs? " She says "I'm sick and tired of my
husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas. "
-----------

Funny Puns:

-An innkeeper's daughter during the Middle Ages made love for fifteen straight knights.

-Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

-Johnny asked one of the kids at school, "If you woke up covered in KY Jelly n*ked in a sleeping bag in the middle of the forest, and your a*s was killing you, would you tell anybody?"

"No, I'd be embarrassed."

So, Johnny asked "Wanna go camping?"
--------------
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
--------------
A Monica Lewinski cigar is now available in fine tobacco shops. While many premium cigars are soaked in brandy or cognac, Monica's are soaked in cider.
--------------
What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp p*nis?
You don't screw with either one
--------------
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More headroom
--------------
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
---------------
Confucius say man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
---------------
Engineers do it with precision.
---------------

Funnier Times than this?

A little boy asked his father " Daddy, how was I born?" Dad responds,
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out >anyway. So here goes.Well, you see, your Mom and I >first got together in a chat room on MSN.Then I set up >a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said
'You've got Male'."
============ ===
S*x in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You imp*tent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

============ ===

Deaf S*x

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out,
since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the
wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple
signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have s*x with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast two times".

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she
wants to have s*x with him, "reach over and pull on my p*nis one time. If
you don't want to have sex, pull on my p*nis two hundred and fifty times."

=========

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks. "What happened??
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not
have a headache; I do not have a headache,' several times.
Well,
It worked! The headaches are all gone!"
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
She then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband
agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife -- like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back
into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband
again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife
quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at
the mirror and repeatedly saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
my wife.
She's not my wife...!"

============ =====

============ ========= ========= ==

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sp*rm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this. ... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing
it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!?? "
----

little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The
son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

Till next time,Keep Grinning.

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