Pun-itive jokes

Tattoo:

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that
she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her
bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the
turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The
woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas"
up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking
good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such
unusual tattoos on your thighs? " She says "I'm sick and tired of my
husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas. "
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Funny Puns:

-An innkeeper's daughter during the Middle Ages made love for fifteen straight knights.

-Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

-Johnny asked one of the kids at school, "If you woke up covered in KY Jelly n*ked in a sleeping bag in the middle of the forest, and your a*s was killing you, would you tell anybody?"

"No, I'd be embarrassed."

So, Johnny asked "Wanna go camping?"
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What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
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A Monica Lewinski cigar is now available in fine tobacco shops. While many premium cigars are soaked in brandy or cognac, Monica's are soaked in cider.
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What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp p*nis?
You don't screw with either one
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Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More headroom
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There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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Confucius say man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
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Engineers do it with precision.
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Funnier Times than this?

A little boy asked his father " Daddy, how was I born?" Dad responds,
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out >anyway. So here goes.Well, you see, your Mom and I >first got together in a chat room on MSN.Then I set up >a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said
'You've got Male'."
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S*x in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You imp*tent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

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Deaf S*x

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out,
since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the
wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple
signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have s*x with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast two times".

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she
wants to have s*x with him, "reach over and pull on my p*nis one time. If
you don't want to have sex, pull on my p*nis two hundred and fifty times."

=========

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks. "What happened??
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not
have a headache; I do not have a headache,' several times.
Well,
It worked! The headaches are all gone!"
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
She then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband
agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife -- like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back
into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband
again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife
quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at
the mirror and repeatedly saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
my wife.
She's not my wife...!"

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============ ========= ========= ==

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sp*rm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this. ... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing
it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!?? "
----

little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The
son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

Till next time,Keep Grinning.